Monday, September 21, 2009

Soak It Up

Despite all of the positive things in our lives, we still let ourselves dwell on the negatives. We convince ourselves that only the bad things happen to us, that we aren't good enough, that we aren't where we need to be, and that it really must be greener on the other side (surely, right?!). This is a complete and utter injustice. I improve my situation, whatever it may be, by 0% when I think negatively about it. If I don't believe that I'm worth the effort, worth the time, worthy at all, then how can I truly expect anyone else to think that I am? I don't say this to sound cliche or contrite. I really mean it, and believe you me, it's slapping me in the face too. I know it, through and through. I fail at positivity constantly. I desire optimism more than a lot of things, and yet I let it fall by the wayside because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

The truth of the matter is that my value is not determined by what I do, or how well I fair, or how I compare, or where I am at this point in my life. My value is innate, internal, deep within me, and unshakable because I am who I am and I always will be. There is nothing more futile than to attempt to deny what is so blatantly unavoidable. I will never escape myself. Why should I want to? I am here because I am meant to be here. I must take advantage of the time.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Joy Diet: Removing the Clutter

So I have joined my first online book club. It's called The Next Chapter: The Joy Diet. We are reading through Martha Beck's, The Joy Diet. I am very excited about the whole experience. The book is so intriguing. It's a journey to help you get to know your inner self better and see your true being and the Spirit more clearly.

The past few years have been spiritual chaos for my mind and heart. I have basically turned my entire perspective upside down and am now trying to rectify where it stands now. I hope that being a part of this book-reading journey will give me some insight into listening more intently and hearing what my conscience is trying to tell me. I firmly believe that God speaks to us in a quiet, strong voice, yet we drown it out with all of the clutter in our lives. I think our conscience, or our "gut" as some say, is the Spirit guiding us to where we need to be. I really want to reconcile my heart and my spirit. I hope this book will facilitate that communion. I want the clutter to be gone.

1 + 1 = 0

Even though I have always been much more concerned with writing and history, math is one of those subjects that I still greatly appreciate having in the mix of liberal arts. Despite all of the obvious reasons why math is helpful and convenient, the reason I find it so reassuring is because there is a certain order that will always produce a certain result. You can always add 1 + 1 and get 2. You can always subtract 1 from 2 and get back 1 whole number. There is a consistency about it that's comforting and delightful.

That being said, let me shed some light on why I bring math up at all. It's because in the infinite number of people that will walk the planet and find that they cannot live without a certain person, only some will add 1 + 1 = 2 whole people. Only some will subtract 1 from 2 and be left with 1 whole person. The constant wave of interactions between those we love, wish to love, and will never love leaves me nauseous with seasickness and pining for a formula that will keep me whole amidst all the shuffling around.

The adding and taking away of people in my life is beginning to wear on me. It is never the case, that when you add a new person to your life you have two whole people. It's more commonly the case that you have just added a skewed fraction of a person to your fraction of a self, leaving you with a sorry excuse for 2. Regardless of how I try to hold onto the pieces to keep myself whole, some are taken away forever and no matter how hard I try to fit new ones in, they never fit.

I know there is no use in crying over the mangled fraction that I am, but sometimes I feel like there's no alternative. I feel like a helpless child with a two piece puzzle and no way of figuring it out. Don't worry, I will not give up hope. I believe there are people out there that still see the beauty in simple math and will adjust as necessary to fit. I have those people in my friends; I have them in my family. For a person who tries so desperately to see the light in everything, I feel so in the dark right now when it comes to finding a true companion though. I feel like no one wants to be a part of my puzzle.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Lost in Neverland

I am one of those people who easily gets lost in her own mind. Constantly turning over in my head are the things found only in fairy tales and fantasy. Usually these things never come to exist or can even be entertained as possibilities, but occasionally, when you least expect it, you find something in the world that reminds you that other people are dreamers too. Today holds one of those moments. I came across an article about treehouse restaurants. While some may say it's just a restaurant, I say it's a light in the darkness of our never-ceasing obsession with staying utterly, morosely in the heart of logical reality. Why wouldn't I want to eat my meal in a treehouse? Peter Pan does, the ewoks do, Tolkien's elves do, the gnomes of my imagination do. My heart skips a cheerful beat when I see our imagination at work. To knit a thread of dreams in a tapestry of expectation adds a snag of unexpected wonder to our lives.